So every body,

This ain’t a pecker draw. If your not interested or if you don’t got the scratch then please just move it along. Keep my goddamn sister and my goddamn sunburn out of it. Matter fact, those might be some decent words to live by.

In regards to my health and physical fitness OK sure I may not be Hussein Bolt but I have got belly fire to burn and a financial incentive to survive and cash your goddamn check. Past that, I have a certain kind of kinship to the land. I am extra familiar with it. That’s a trait I share with the Indians and that’s why I felt okay about leaving my cash sack on the table at Johnny Rockets while I squirted. Didn’t expect to get slapped with the stink pickle on that the way I did.

So listen up all you loudmouths and shit talkers: You bring your change to the Pine Lodge Friday nights to shoot Buck Hunter and show off for the bartender with the tight little package? Maybe the loser springs for the next pitcher? Well hey, thats cute. I’m offering something a little different than your average quarter-a-pull plastic dick pump. But by all means…

And knuckleheads or candy asses? Well, they need not apply. They can kick rocks and kiss grits and whatever else. I’m looking for a true goddamn Money Bags, okay? 10K is nothing to these boys. They leave tips on restaurant checks like that. They drop that type of scratch just because. They’ll pay that money just to rub it in my FACE and show me how meaningless it truly is to the likes of them. 

But I’ll tell you what, you wire me good cash money and I’ll give you directions flat off the Interstate, shake your hand and look you in the eye like a goddamn MAN and then I’ll haul ass while you’re cleaning your piece and unloading your quad.

If you’re the sentimental type—and shit I guess maybe I am—perhaps you could donate or somehow arrange for a small memorial in my name for after I’m gone. Just a tasteful little plaque above one of the urinals in the Pine Lodge men’s room, something to remind everyone. JC knows NOTHINGS worked out the way I used to plan.

But forget that. That might be out of reach now. Pay me!

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